Best Australian Comedy Writing is a new collection from Affirm Press that combines the best writing of 2015 with new pieces from the funniest comics working today. They've been kind enough to share one of them with us for your reading pleasure.
Please enjoy the following bit of conceptual comedy brilliance: 'Total Product Recall' by comedian Liam Ryan.
Total Product Recall
By Liam Ryan
Congratulations on your purchase of BluVu, the compact domestic support unit that lives to serve. Put your feet up, say goodbye to chores and let this ‘must-have robot butler’ (TIME Magazine) make life a breeze!
We trust that you will not encounter any problems with your BluVu unit, but in case there are teething issues, these Frequently Asked Questions should help you on your way to a hassle-free home.
I can’t turn the unit off. Is there a switch I can’t see?
No. In order to make life even easier for you, your BluVu unit will simply turn itself off when it is good and ready.
Is there a way to reduce the amount of eye contact the unit engages in?
Not really. The best solution is for you to just get used to it.
Although the waddle is cute, is there a way to adjust my BluVu’s stride so it sounds less like I am being followed by a bag full of cutlery?
Why does the product appear to be mapping my every move and watching me sleep?
It’s all part of BluVu’s patented Always There, Always Waiting automatic assistance program. [See also Did the unit just follow me to work? and Why has the unit memorised my browser history?]
What is with the blood-curdling scream every time I leave the house?
Just consider this BluVu’s way of saying, ‘I love you, master. Goodbye.’
I’m noticing subtle changes in my BluVu unit’s behaviour. Is there a chance it is hiding my keys in an effort to keep me housebound?
Every model adjusts differently and will try to help you in unique ways.
Why did you give it teeth?
To eviscerate its prey and your enemies.
Though small, my BluVu unit seems capable of super strength. Are its frequent shows of force (lifting furniture, kicking down doors, throwing pot plants/pets over the fence etc.) intended to impress or intimidate me?
Can’t it be both?
Why does this thing really have it in for my dog?
BluVu has identified the dog as a ‘success inhibitor’ and is just trying to help.
Last night, while discussing with my partner how we might put our BluVu unit to S-L-E-E-P, it ceased responding to commands then beat up the microwave. Is it upset?
BluVu has an inbuilt sensitivity capability so that it can best anticipate your needs. So yeah, probably.
My energy bills have gone through the roof. Is there a chance my BluVu unit has tapped into the mains in order to power a secret nerve centre it has set up somewhere inside my house?
That is crazy talk.
My BluVu unit has engineered an exact replica of itself, and now both have set to work on constructing another one. How do I dissuade them from pilfering electrical cables and metal from the house to build more of themselves?
Best not to get in the way. Your BluVu unit(s) are probably just creating an army of assistants to help you crush your problems.
Since date of purchase, why do I keep getting mystery calls from the same number?
I wouldn’t know anything about that.
Oh my god, are these calls coming from inside the house?
While investigating a power outage, I found a hive of wire and BluVu units that runs throughout the crawl space and underneath the house. It has since begun to seethe and churn. How do I apply a factory reset?
But we’ve come so far.
Jesus, our BluVu unit(s) are everywhere. How do I request a technician to come to our house and save us?
A technician can’t help you now.
We are holed up in the bathroom while an army of fifty or so BluVus tries to beat the door down – are we doomed?
Unless you can identify the swarm leader and dismantle it, I’d say so.
What will they do to us when they find us?
Make you their king!
Why on earth would someone create a product capable of such evil?
I have my reasons.
Has a BluVu unit compiled this FAQ?
This is madness.
Is that a question?
Is this madness?
Yes, it is.
I need to find the original unit and convince it to call off the assault. Where will I find it?
It’s behind you.
To read our interview with Luke Ryan, the editor of Best Australian Comedy Writing, click here.
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