This week's Bloc Feature comes to us care of Wollongon's Ugly Pineapple zine. You can check out their recently born Facebook page here, buy a copy of the zine here, and follow Editor Isabel Moon's Instagram here


The Month of September Presents: Cooking with Joel!

by

Joel Burrows

 

 

This week’s recipe: 
The Ugly Pineapple

Ingredients:
- one part lonely tuesday
- two parts vodka
- one lemon, maybe more
- mint
- who the fuck can afford mint  
- don’t buy the mint
- if you’re feeling rich buy mint
- pineapple juice

Method:

1.    Get that lemon. Hurt it. Cut it open.

2.    Squeeze its insides into an ice tray.

3.    Put that ice tray in the freezer.

4.    Now it’s time to wait. Feel bored. Have a shot of vodka. Regret that decision.

5.    Google pictures of palm trees and sunsets, while thinking of your ex. Try and feel as melancholy as possible. (Google a tutorial if need be.)

6.    Remember that there is a recipe buried somewhere in this recipe.

7.    Oh! Your ice is done. Run to it.

8.    A cup maybe needed for the next step.

9.    Fill a cup with the lemon ice.

10.    Pour two shots vodka into your glass.

11.    Fuck it, you’ve have had a hard week, pour a bit more.

12.    More.

13.    MORE.

14.    MORE!

15.    Shit you poured too much! Drink a bit of it. Drink it down to the half way mark.

16.    Gah! Disgusting! Your face twists and lemons. It needs pineapple juice.

17.    Add pineapple juice. 

18.    Take a moment to regret your decisions. 

19.    Take a moment to feel proud of what you made. You created something. Good job.

20.    If your one of those falutin snazzy mint buyers add your mint. 

21.    Always add the mint.

22.    Drink. Drink up your Tuesday afternoon. Look up and watch the aeroplanes disappear into red and yellow or blue. Watch a houseplant’s shadow crinkle in on itself. Remember that if you actually bought that cat, statistically it would hate you. Think of the beach, the waves, the breeze. It’s okay to feel sad. Sip and slurp your Ugly Pineapple. Remember that days can be lonely, traffic jammed or Tuesday. And these days are okay. These days are okay.


Editor's Note

Ugly Pineapple has no real theme, and to be honest I had no clue what I was doing. I was having an existential crisis. It’s okay; I’m on meds now. It’s hard to be young and creative and too poor to actually live any closer to Sydney than our digs in Wollongong. It’s hard having a day job and not enough time to do what you love. Having friends is easy. Making a zine with friends is easy. Being wrong together is easy. We underestimated costs. We underestimated the power of Officeworks. We underestimated how well it would do. We still haven’t had our launch party yet. Joel Burrows’ piece Cooking with Joel sums up the frustration of having no theme. It hates Tuesdays and loves to drink. It’s weird and it’s wacky, it’s a recipe.

Ugly Pineapple is about having just one good idea and seeing it through. Cooking with Joel gives dubious advice on how to do it.

Isabel Moon

Editor, Ugly Pineapple

Joel Burrows's picture

Joel Burrows

Joel Burrows is a playwright, visual artist and a poet during full moons and the Winter Olympics. He is kind and gentle and wise. He is the first person to have the word “gunty” performed on ABC radio. That last line seems like a joke but it isn’t. That actually happened last year. If you are a wealthy poetry tycoon please contact Joel at joel.burrows94@gmail.com.