The boy in front of me is wearing the same hat you used to always wear, backwards and slightly off centered. I got so excited when I saw him and thought it was you I actually said your name. The looks of sympathy from the other people in class weren't the reminder that you're gone, it was the feeling I got in my stomach and the way my heart continued to break when I said your name.
I read your letter for the 100th time since I've had it. Well I've only read it about as many times as I could until my tears made most of the words unreadable, all the times after that I've just stared at the paper reciting the words you wrote on in, I don't think ill ever forget them.
I should never have let you come into my room and touch my things, or let you lay your head down on my pillow, or let you "accidentally" leave a bunch of your clothes in here because you're everywhere. I hate my self for it, but I still wear your clothes every night while I lay on the pillow you use to lay on. My room still smells like a mixture of my scent and yours. I wish I could bottle it up and keep it forever but I also wish it would leave my room and I could forget what you smell like. Everywhere reminds me of you. It's not fair. I never want to forget you.
I spilt coffee down my shirt and I cried for about forty minutes after. Not because I burnt myself in the process, which I did, and not because I did it in front of our whole math class, yeah I know, math class, but because I texted you asking for you to get me one of my spare shirts out of your car and you didn't come. You said you would always come when I needed you. I still need you.
I broke the mug you made me. Correction, I broke all the mugs you made. I hate you for leaving me with those stupid mugs. I hate you for leaving without saying a real goodbye. I hate you for making me love you and for making me care about you. I hate that you made me think about a future that goes past tomorrow. I hate that you saved me from myself. I hate that you cant be here to save me from myself now. I hate that I didn't save you. I hate hating you.
Remember when you would talk to me on the phone every night until I feel asleep, yeah me too. Now I lie awake every night waiting for you to call so you can help me fall asleep. You were the only thing that helped me fall asleep. I tell mom I sleep great and its the only time I feel better, so she can go to sleep at night knowing for a while im okay. I'm not okay. My pillow still smells like you and my tears.
Family dinner tonight minus two. Me and you. Your parents and little sister still came over tonight. I overheard mom talking about it to dad saying "Maybe if we act like things are normal, so will she." Mom was wrong. I sat at the top of the stairs during family dinner spending half my time silently sobbing and the other half listening to both our families try to act like things weren't missing.
But you were the piece that made us whole and without you none of us belong together.
I still miss you so much it hurts. But I won't miss you for long. See you very soon.