As I am sitting here in the dark, only light shining but my laptop screen and the noise to the tap of the keypad, I’m suppose to be writing my life’s passions, where I want to be, where I want to go, the people I want to meet and the person I want to become. But I am sitting here far from anything that I ever want to be and find myself typing away to what I have no idea where this is going....
I have big dreams and hopes and maybe a reality that seems far from realistic but I know its possible because I lived it, for 2 months and 2 months only, which I feel with those and only those 2 months out of my whole entire life has detriment my whole outlook on life and life’s whole purpose and for that sake MY lifes purpose and why I am here.
I have been asking myself for the past 5 months, since losing everything I have ever owned and lived for what is the purpose of life? Why am I here? What is there to live for?
I wake up like hog warts day, each day anew, the same each day with the same thoughts and the day plans out the same for the past 5 months its been a massive wake up a call, certain situations which have happened in the past many of times before but I feel this time is different, i'm older, wiser, and I have been here before, in this situation, but why am I still here as to when I was younger or should I say the past 4 years I've been able to find my feet and been guided in a way that something has changed my path and has always fallen back into place, I always had the thought of “everything will work out, it always does” but as for now, I do not feel this way any more, im stuck, im lost, I have no answers to any of lifes questions, I have no solution, no comeback no possible resolution to align myself back to reality to find who I am. Because as of now, I do not know who I am. You would think as you get older you would find out more about yourself and strive to become who you want to be. I see other people smoothly running their lives, managing jobs, study, relationships, but all the above I seem to struggle with. Even the smallest of smallest things in life I feel I struggle more than the average. But I know my thoughts on this specific topic I am not alone.
I am by no means religious nor follow a certain religion but yet I found myself earlier tonight praying to the greater god to guide me, direct me, show me some sort of sign of hope to help me through life.
So tonight I knelt down at the end of my bed crying, begging god for help to guide me through and show me a sign, as I was talking my pray out in my head, I felt as if he started talking back to me, telling me things were going to be ok, I asked him questions on life and my purpose and I got straight answers.
I ask god, why are you not guiding me?
He responded “ but I am”
“then why am I here crying, kneeling down at the end of my bed begging you for your some sort of sign, to get me through” I say.
With his strong deep voice, as I know it was certainly was not mine, he strongly says -
“this is because of you and no one else, you are crying because you choose to cry, you are praying to me because you choose to be, you are here in this situation because you choose to be, this is not me, nor anyone else, this is all you”.
As I go on with my questions I got all the answers to my questions, but I still knelt down at the end of my bed crying, I told him I was scared, he replied with what I shall remember
“ we are all in this world alone, but we are also all here together, we are just all going through different situations, we are all here for different purposes yet we all have one direction and one faith”
As I wipe my eyes, still sobbing, I simply said ok, and finished my conversation with amen. As I am not very experienced with any types of praying, I was astounded by a realise of tension, something had lifted, moved, changed in some sort of way – I just felt different.
I was kneeling at the end of my bed for 20 minutes after, crying and crying still, until I just suddenly stopped and thought to myself, crying here is getting you nowhere right now, pull yourself together I said to myself. As I got up – I felt different in every way possible, it was almost like I am having an awakening moment, when life and the surroundings and noise sounds different ,more real, more vibrant, you can feel the vibes of energises and all sensors are heightened. You hear everything, you feel everything. You see everything in a more clearer light. But with still the same thoughts and nothing physically changing around me.
And that is how I find myself in a dark room typing right now, in an awakening state, the words are seeming to flow out of my minds thoughts throught to my finger tips to the keypad and to my computer screen.
As I type I have so much I want to express and tell you, I want to tell you everything, from where ive been, what ive done, where I was and where I am now and where I want to go, what I want to do who I want to become. I know all these questions that I was suppose to be writing to myself but now find myself writing to you. The purpose was to have a clear vision and goals set out like ive been told to do by the many of self development books etc so you can actually follow through with it but instead I'm writing what ever I am writing... Because I do not have any answers to my qustions, nothing to shine some guidance or light through to myself to answer such massive questions to myslef that I shall maybe never know.
I have so many questions in life that everyone has asked before im sure, and yet no-one can answer them, and they are all your typical questions, why am I here, what is lifes purpose, who am I, how do I find myself, I have read many self development books and articles, blogs and stories and yet they are all the same one after the other. Yet nothing has seem to help and I still find myself in this position I am in now over and over again. Its a never ending battle – the main top question I have is when is enough, enough? You here all about “never give up” “don’t stop till you have what you want” but you almost get to a point where you have tried everything, you've got up after you fall, you push on through the tough times, but when it keeps happening over and over and over you get to a point where its like. Nothing is working, all the work I put in, I get the same result, and as a result to that im drained, stressed, depressed, and losing my mind trying see through this “dark hole” that i am in yet again and to see the light, but because of this not being the first time, all I foresee is the same situation playing out in my head with no light showing of remorse to recover once again for which I already know the outcome.
So when is enough, enough? Why do I carry on each day waiting for something to change, waiting for my turn to shine, I’ve put the effort in, I’ve tried, fallen, I’ve failed, I’ve got back up, fallen again and again and maybe 30x more fallen and yet got back up but I feel like I’ve reached my limits. I wish I had no limits, I wish life had no limits, and in many of books I have read and knowledge I have gained, all I read is that life has no limits... But there must and there is as my limits are near and the frightening scary thought of one day reaching my limit in which could be near scares me.
Life scares me, I scare myself, I feel alone and I am, we all are but I cant help but think there is a purpose for me, I know I am here for something greater than myself, I am here for something that I just cant quite figure out yet, and I am petrified that when and If I do reach my limit I shall never know and in that case no-one will ever know. For if that day does come I only but hope I have left something behind in my legacy.
As for now, even though my limits are near, I still feel like I have have that one last push inside me, and the thought of maybe I really needed to reach rock bottom to find myself and find myself for good, not for a few months here and there for solid proof GOOD.
Each individual person has their own battles, I understand that, we are all selfish in someway or anther, but I trully think that other people have it better off than me, which brings me to the questions;
Why is it that they are succeeding, happy and enjoying life and not me?
How are they managing their lives so smoothly?
Why are they not going through the same thing, struggling with lifes basics?
What am I doing wrong?
How do I change and rectify my lifes path?
To be continued......